The trauma of being English

We can't we say what we mean when it comes to our hearts! Maybe this is the trauma of being human, but I think its very specificly an English middle class thing. I've been in love with my best friend for over a year now, and we've fallen out over it, but I've not once asked her out. I've suggested it in a 1000 different ways but never once actually just said the words, "would you like to go to x on a date?" or simply "will you go out with me". Its not that I don't want / wish / desire / crave to say those words (maybe she thinks I don't or can't... :( ) its just that I susspect they might not be well received (even if I did think they would be well received, I think I would find a way to say them without saying them). What the hecks up with me >.<. Funilly, I do tell her I love her, thats actually easier to say! Its a statement of fact and it can't be rejected, it just is.

I'm probably in the whole mess because I gave in from the start :(. Well, more accurately, I took her at her first words that she was just looking for a friend (back then I wasn't in love). I feel so damn pathetic for that, for trying for it to be her to make the move. My only saving grace is that I did once genuinely ask her to marry me on the phone once, and meant it with the whole of my heart (I'm glad I did, I was surprised at the time because it burst out of me because it was so wanted to be said. I didn't realise how much before then). I didn't get turned down then, but I did get asked never to say it again and told it has no answer, which i'm not sure isn't the same thing. I negotiated to a "maybe never" *sigh*.

She is the only girl that I would marry. Only other time I've even thought about marriage I regretted thinking it the very next day (but sadly in that occasion I told the person I could see myself marrying her...). With A, I will never regret it, but I do wish I had been so much less pathetic about it. Especially as it seems that attrition seems to be the way to the heart of the girl I love.