Sick with Love

I feel so sickly this morning I could almost vomit. I am not medically i'll, I feel this way because I just talked with the girl I have fallen so deeply in love with (Alex) and listened to her describe a friend who she lives with as though he where an inescapable inevitibility of them becomming a couple. The thought of her not becomming my life partner, my wife, is making me sick to my soul.

She is the first true love of my life, I say the first true love because, with her, for the first time, having got to know her, I am completely and utterly certain only one person will do for me and that the person is her in particular. She knows my feelings, at least, i've told her how I feel, but she doesn't want to return them in the same way. I can't be without her though, even if I have to feel sick this way for the rest of my life, and worse when she is properly together with him, I need her as a part of my life.. I can't imagine life without her.

I messed up so many things when we meet for the second time, so many ways in which I made her scared of me (my feelings being too strong, too quickly). So many things which might have made such a difference. I need her like I need oxygen in the air to breath (I feel like I am choking in a very thin atmosphere between breaths of her), I need her like I need light to see (I can't see life without her) and I need to be with her, whatever the cost. I need help!

I am still so glad of her, even though she is moving slowly and seemingly unstoppably towards the person who can be with her every day (I live 9 hours travel away). I can't need her less, I could't ever need anyone else more, she needs me too, but not as much as I need her it seems. This last sentence would seem to prove me to be a needy person, but its only her I need (oh, and a new job, but thats not an emotional need).

I feel so helpless, only by being there could I change events in motion, but being there is so hard without the resources and I guess more importantly without the demand for me to be there (he wasn't demanded, but he was there and he was paitent, I am not impatient but I am emotionally demanding in manor when around her. She would always like to see me though, but she could never ask it somehow.

All I can do right now is feel so very sick, but try and look for a good job which will give me the resource I need to be with her. Though, even if I find that, the inevitable might already be unstoppable *shivers*.