God I miss her

I miss Alex so much!

It's been around 4 days since we last talked, not long in the terms of a normal friend, but feels like forever when it comes to Alex. Whilst I am "mentaly" accepting that she has decided to keep looking for her "Mr Right" I am still living and reliving those two weeks where I made every possible stupid mistake to guarentee we could never become anything more than friends (and even lost some of that friendship for it).

There are bright points to all this depression. Alex is still the most ammazing friend I have, one with whom I share more of her true heart than any other I've meet (and I'd wager, "alive"). If it where not for how close we where from the start, then I think I wouldn't have been able to do anything to make a difference (but, thats not how it was, was it :(). It was the closeness we shared from the day we meet that made there mistakes to be made (or to put it another way, it was that closeness/deep connection that overrode the impossibility of a relationship for her). People can argue that, if someone doesn't like you enough in the romantic sense then eventually you will make the mistake that ends it. What I've learned is that, whilst it is more difficult to win a partner (in this case girl) who is not as attracted to you as she is to other men it is not impossible (as long as she is attracted to you and you can demonstrait to her your love in terms of true love). It is just a case then of proving to her your worth it (in terms she will appriciate and understand) before she finds a reason to not like you.

The person she is seeing now knew that much better than I... and, in the unlikely event he didnt I actually warned him not to make the same mistakes as me (hes a decient guy and Alex has told me she liked him and I love Alex so I will always put her first) . Sometimes it sucks to be a decient person, but i'm glad I am (not saying i'm perfect or great, but just, decient [though I try to be great ;)]).

We used to talk every day Alex and I. Sometimes we would talk for 8 hours at a time at the weekend. She used to fall asleep on the phone to me and I loved that she was that relaxed and happy in my company. I am suffering serious withdrawals, it wasn't what we said, it was just the presence of her, she always made me feel so loved. Though, she never claimed to love me... it was the way she made me feel. I hope I knew how to make her feel loved back :(.

Well, theres nothing I can do now. If I phone her, she won't call back for days, and I'll feel worse because I will feel rejected. I have texted her, but she never used to text me back anyway (excepting some very perfunctionary ones and the occasional panic if she didn't hear from me). I know she will call in time, she still needs me, just not the way she used to.

On the flip side

I guess I know all this too because of the situation with my ex-girlfriend *sigh*, I loved her so much when we initially got to know one another. When we got together, I found quite a number of serious points on which we where entirely incompatible, but, at the time I knew I loved her and this was the person I loved "we could work out anything", at this point, I firmly believe that if she had shown me that kind of love back, we would be together today (even she has said as much). She didn't, she ripped me apart (after first putting on a face of understanding leaving me "comfortable" to tell things like they where). It was that "betrayal" that put the first knife into my love for her, and then the number of times she crushed my love into the dirt and made me beg not to lose her finally made the part of me that loved her hide forever (or at least, take a form which meant we didn't need to be so close). Its more complex than just that of course, it always is, I made a ton of mistakes there too, but we both learned together.

My mistake was to feel that "because she loves me, she will understand" love and understanding are very seperate, you lucky if you have a partner which gives you both. My mistake was to not to realise how I could hurt her feelings. So, in a way, we where both as bad as one another. I did several things which "upset" the relationship too. In the end, we both have to take equal blame I guess. I just understand my own pains better, because i'm me.

So, given all that, I know that if things had been "different" (less stupid mistakes on my part, and more understanding on hers) then I might still be "in love" with my ex-girlfriend, instead of just loving her as someone who has been important in my life. She is still is an important friend, infact, I'd say shes still is a best friend (in terms of being there if I need her) *happy* which is probably where it should have remained from the beginning (oh, btw, she lives 22,000 miles away *lol* so we definitely not still together, just friends there for each other).