Seventeen Important lessons to learn before you meet the love of your life

I have learned leassons of love the hardest way possible, after my last post I've decided I should share the do's and dont's I have learned through this experience in the hope that maybe I can save someone else from losing the love of their life (I dedicate this to Alex, the love of my life):

Seventeen Important Lessons:

Don't: Always think about what you don't have in the relationship.
Do: Always value what you have in the relationship.

Don't: Describe your emotional need of your desired partner.
Do: Show how much you need them by the actions you take to be with them and to consider them.

Don't: Fear that they don't know how much you care.
Do: Continuiously take actions in your life which shows them how you care. Call them (though not too offten, say at least twice a week at first). Bring or send them little things you know they like (show how you know what they like).

Don't: Get jelous over other people who pay them attentions, even (and this is very important) if they return them.
Do: Simply be there, stay with them through whatever and hopefuly be the one who they choose to leave with.

Don't: Judge your own worth by their actions or present feelings towards you.
Do: Be confident, be paitient, be attentive and most importantly be yourself (not who you become based on how they act.. this is very important to understand).

When I meet Alex for the second time, she already meant so much to me, I wanted everything to be perfect. Since I wanted everything to be perfect, I tried, subconsiously to interperate her every action or emotion and adapt myself to make her most comfortable. I cannot stress enough that "This always has the complete opposite effect". Instead of making her comfortable, I made her uncomfortable and irritated (even annoyed by me). It pains me to think how I acted now. I suffered from being my emotions, not myself. People don't fall in love with someones emotion, they fall in love with people and personality, whilst we are living by our emotions we fail to be ourselves. I am not advocating being completly detached, but I am advocating tight emotional control until such a time as she shows she needs you to be emotional (*and this is important, you need to be open to emotion but under control... this is made very difficult with Alcohol involved... I recommend that you don't go out drinking with someone your crazy for until shes also crazy for you).

Don't: Fear your attentions will be rejected.
Do: Reserve your attention until you are both relaxed and happy, or when she shows signs of needing support. In the second occasion never be afraid or worried about giving a supporting cuddle (to not give a hug when its needed is far worse for any relationship than one being rejected). Always restrict yourself to support when it is the second case! Unless she changes the situation.

Don't: Try and adapt to what she wants of you.
Do: Try to be respectful of their wishes, curtious, paitent and understanding (though, you should always be this IMHO). Within the bounds of yourself, be flexible but also firm.

I've realised that people don't really know what they really want, people know history, what they have enjoyed and what they think they will enjoy.. but people don't know from moment to moment what they truely want. It is defined by continuing experience. There are some things people have, from their experience, already defined they definitely don't want though. Unless you can outweight that existing experience you can't overcome such things. So, my point is, don't be a complete pushover but make things enjoyable.

Don't: Stay too long in her company at a single session (unless they desperately want you to).
Do: Leave her when you are both still enjoying each others company. Have a good reason for going, sleep, food, previous engagement, appointment or whatever (don't just up and leave them cold). Let them know whenever you leave how much you have enjoyed the day... if they ask you to stay longer, unless this request is heartfelt and pleading just say your really sorry, look how you feel (harder than it sounds, stupidly) and say goodbye. If they really want you to stay, never just flat stay, make them aware what you will be missing out on (not in a way to make them guilty) just in a way that makes them feel your staying only because they mean so much to you.

Don't: Talk tabout their ex (even if you feel you can add something).
Do: Listen to them talk, you need to understand, sympathise if appropiate, relate where possible and gently try to steer the conversation away from the topic. This one is the hardest to do, because this will be a very sensitive subject for most women (if they where ultimately rejected in some way). If you can't understand a person with the people from their past, they its not a good sign for your future together. Thats not to say you have to understand, but you need to at least understand the way they see it and feel they are right.

I can't talk much about my personaly experiences on this point because I love Alex and it involves her life and I am already stretching things by even mentioning her first name. So I will just say what I have and move on.

Don't: Establish yourself as a "best friend". Once you become a "friend she can't live without" she may stop thinking of you in romantic terms, you risk always being seen as a friend (risk her feeling that what you share together already is so great, why risk things going wrong by having a romantic relationship? more would be to risk loosing too much?). This is a sad but true fact.
Do: Be her best friend (because you want to of course, after all this is the love of your life, you should be hers and if you aren't well, think again about wether your looking at the right partner), be there for her. Always keep that "up in the air feeling" about the definition of your relationship. Don't define it, live it. Giving things names too soon can spoil things (or trying to be something too soon).

Don't: Hesitate if she goes to kiss you. Hesitation is a killer for romance, no matter the real reason for the hesitation (which you will know) unless shes already massively into you (unlikely if its early days) the doubt of why you hesitated could cause her to doubt her own feelings!
Do: If a "kiss moment" occurs, do kiss her, no matter what shes said prior to this moment. Kiss her even if shes previously said "Never Kiss me" (as long as she goes to kiss you, for whatever reason [excepting of course something obviously ment only effectionately, like if you just found her lost cat or something]). It is important to note here that your never to force a kiss on anyone. The situation I am talking about here is if she goes to kiss you but then possibly hesitates herself or looks unsure and goes to withdraw. If you have the chance, kiss her at this moment (and make a quick one, you don't want to end up with her fending you off). If she does anything to truely prevent the kiss (hands up in front of face, looks petrified of you).... you should just smile at her reasuringly and with love, reach for her hand and draw her close, or possibly lead her to dance. Then, wait until she is relaxed and go to kiss her in the same way she tried to kiss you except be confident.
Do: Let her control the kiss. If you think she wants you to kiss her, move slowly but obviously to kiss her. If she recoils from a kiss you are initiating, don't ever look put out, look "disapointed" but smile and if possible squeeze her hand as you withdraw. Don't be offended. See what she says.

"It is better to kiss her and for her to tell you it is wrong, than to not kiss her and for her to feel rejected or unattractive to you". This is not to say you should not respect her wishes, this is assuming there is opportunity. A "No" is a probably "No", if she still leaves herself open for a kiss. Watch her body language. You can make the first kiss, but, if it is rejected, then after that it is entirely down to her to initiate any other kisses. Just make sure if there was a moment for kissing, you kiss.

Don't: Be over gentlemanly. Don't always wait for permission from her.
Do: Be respectfull and mindfull of her wishes. Be open and honest, not so much that your rude though. It is better to show her how you feel /the way you see her and risk her not being happy by it than for her to think that you don't see her as a beautiful, sexual creature.

There is a very fine line to draw here, and its not an easy one to walk. It is equally bad to force your attention onto someone who doesn't want it as it is to not show it to someone who is unsure how they see you. Its made much harder by the fact that most girls are not sure what they want, so it means you can't just listen to what they say. Most importantly, kissing a girl you like despite her saying you should not is not wrong. Doing anything more against her wishes is criminal. If in doubt, ask her if she will hold you, if she will / does then see where it goes from there (just let her do any esculating).

I was so scared to offend Alex that I kept my distance. I was a complete gentleman and I regret it so much. She wanted to hold me, wanted to be close to me, wanted someone... but didn't know what to think and err'd on the side of, "No". If I had just relaxed and cuddled her, held her, let her know I loved her things may well have been very different today. I didn't because she was so afraid, and I thought it was because she didn't like me or want to be with me. I now know it was because she didn't know what she wanted. Was playing safe. She did like me. Though, that died because I was too nice.

People might have lots of "opinions" here, but I am telling you confirmed fact. I can't go into details, but I know this is true.

Don't: Buy too much into what they feel they want when its not in the romantic interests of you two as a couple.
Do: Listen to what they want, understand it in terms of the girl you know and love (this all is only for the girl you love truely). Support that which is good and you see yourself. If they fancy someone else, contradict them in a playful way, make light of the person. Say "What him?" (but with a smile and make it clear your teasing). Always place yourself as "superior" to whomever it is. Say something funny, like "well then, I'm in with a great chance" and don't take whatever she says next to heart.

Don't: Ever "back down" about your feelings. Don't keep pushing them either, but just don't ever show if your hurt or think you will never have her. Your doubt will become hers.
Do: Let her know your feelings in an unambigious way. If you make a mistake and say something ambigious, don't get flustered, wait a little to see what she says. Maybe next time, let her know more clearly. Once your certain she understands (or if she gets impaitent) let it go. Don't bring it up again until either she does or months have gone by.

Don't: Ever be afraid to ask her on a date!
Do: Make sure you make at least one occasion spent together in the early days of knowing her, "a date". Even if shes not sure she liked you, a date is unthreatening, flattering and establishes intent. If she refuses to go on a date, your in a bit of a sticky situation, however, if she will agree to spend time with you that day just as a friend. Take it. Make it a really great day for her. Next time you see her, ask her on a date again. If she refuses again, ask her if she enjoyed the day spent as friends? see how that goes... keep alternating time spent as friends and asking her on a date.

Don't: Reveal your emotional weaknesses. Don't cry, get insecure, worry (unless its in care for her) or get hurt.
Do: Be emotional with her. Show it though very, very subtly. A frown at the right moment, a sad face. Then try and move on quick. If you can't deal with your emotions there and then, leave it for the day... say you need to go. If she asks you to stay, excuse yourself to the restroom and get it out of your system.

Don't: Overstate your attachment to her. Nor should you let her know how much she means to you too early.
Do: Show her by your actions always, but if your having to say it your either not "acting" enough or not acting in the way she needs. If it is the second case, ask her whats wrong, ask her what you can do, tell her you care and want her to be happy (which I know you will do if you love her).