Life Impact

I was thinking about the way we live and work today, about economy, social structure and everything in between. Something occured to me, we don't often really consider much our overall life impact on the world and on humanity. Even me, and I do think about the effects my life has on others and try to minimise any negative impact (or eliminate) but thats not quite the same as the impact of my life as a whole on bettering the world (and its legacy). It seems like it would be good if all people could look for and establish a "life goal" at early primary school age. They wouldn't have to stick to the goal, but it could be considered and it could be expanded so that by the time where making important life decisions like career direction and so forth we have a greater goal to work for (but also a personal goal because life has to be both about the individual and the group). Then, we could work knowing we arn't just working for the day to day needs of ourselves and our loved ones, but building a future for the whole of humanity.

I look at the jobs many of my friends are doing, and whilst they all require knowledge and all provided "something" theres few jobs where more than 10% of the work is lasting. I think this would be a poor target to set for life but its one we accept somehow. I suppose possibly the problem is that people work for money which in reality represents 10% of the value it is said to be worth at the end of the day.

Also, another factor is that we live in a "throw away" society. Things aren't regularl built for "the ages" and when they are, everyone is trying to make the project cost 90% more than its effort in the persuit of profit (so again, 10% effort though possibly some of those people contriuting 100%.). Thats the thing though isn't it, we tend to generate a 10% result, but we offten have to put in 110% effort (technically impossible, but the extra 10% represents the time we should not be working and is taken away from the 100% which is time for family and friends).

I don't think all people are lazy either, its just that we mostly often don't have a bigger plan...

Take banking, ever day we buy things, food, supplies whatever and its very few people who think about that in any big way, so we need banking which is basicly transactional and short lived (who cares how much my recipt was for coffee in 100 years).

I don't see why we couldn't get more reason into everything we do (though i'll grant i'm not yet sure of the solutions).

For example, if every purcase of food from a store added to a fund to build a hospital then in our daily lives and spending choices we can give the long term meaningless actions in our lives deeper meaning. Whilst the individual purchases might still be irrelivent, the fact that I bought food meant something more than simply keeping someone alive or happy .

The only problem being that the 10% crew (as I now refer to profiteers) will find a way to make our "meaning" into their profits (and possibly diminish and reduce our efforts).

People need money to live, money was invented to defaud the public... ironic?

How do I claim money was invented to defraud the public? Well, money was first used in countries where resources where "scarce" or infact not available (for example in England when the king had spent all the crown gold but still needed the people to fight wars and could no longer afort to buy their loyalties). So, the king used worthless items to represent a "desired" item (eg. Gold) and made it "equivilent" in the minds of the people (moneys value is only as much as we desire or require it). Utlimately though, when the king realised that people now sought the worthless item as much as the valueable item, well, greed set in and if he could keep the people holding the worthless items thinking they where good, all the better.

Now, of course, the Kings didn't say "I have no money, but have this worhtless peice of stuff and fight for me anyway and i'll look after you". They "pretended" they had the money (or, I suppose in some cases the money was like a "token not to get killed" for more ruthless monarchs). Money was a way to keep people doing what the power wanted, which, isn't the same thing as keeping the people doing right or good.

Well, this has degraded spectacularly into a ramble so i'm going to leave it at that.

The main point is, i'm going to try to find a way to bring more longer lasting meaning to every action in my life and I hope maybe we all will too.

Searching the world for the love of my life

In the past i've felt like that. Like I was searching the universe for that special someone, that soul mate. I found her (for me) when I met Alex, she is everything to me (and I know she cares deeply for me too, but just "not in that way"). Then, *sigh* it seems she's everything to everyone who gets close to her, she's the love of everyones life! So, now i'm thinking to myself, are you searching the world for the love of yours? Is everyone?

Somehow, I choose to stay single because I know none of the relationships I could have are right because I don't care for those people in the right ways (also, those people are opposite to me in that they tend (in general) to form a relationship with everyone until they happen to love someone). I know girls who are very beautiful and (thanks to them being very direct) I know they like me (which is always lovely to hear) but I also know I could never be happy with them outside the simple gratification that comes from having someone beautiful that wants me (and that is very gratifying and possibly something to be shared more, letting people know it anyway). Its not simply that they have some minor incompatibilities here, its they have major apposing life style choices (Smoking, Peircing, Tatoos, Drug use, a Player which-ever). Not that they are bad people in any way, just they aren't for me. I'm not a great looker myself, I seek the right heart more than I seek the right looks, but looks aren't unimportant to me either. So, i've got the worst of both worlds, i'm not someone who will just get close to anyone whos around so i'm not alone, I am not someone who will settle based on looks nor based purely on personality (though, I believe this could happen as long as they love me with their whole heart and seek not to hurt me and I can love them), nor am I someone whos going to be happy with just lots of great friends. I'm sounding pretty fussy huh.

Funny thing is, I have to wait to see what happens with Alex! Shes the first person in my life I would do that for. In a way, I almost hope the last too. Otherwise i'll be dead before I know it lol. Alex is the first person I love completely and unreservedly, she has the keys to my heart. I hope she chooses to use them.

The trauma of being English

We can't we say what we mean when it comes to our hearts! Maybe this is the trauma of being human, but I think its very specificly an English middle class thing. I've been in love with my best friend for over a year now, and we've fallen out over it, but I've not once asked her out. I've suggested it in a 1000 different ways but never once actually just said the words, "would you like to go to x on a date?" or simply "will you go out with me". Its not that I don't want / wish / desire / crave to say those words (maybe she thinks I don't or can't... :( ) its just that I susspect they might not be well received (even if I did think they would be well received, I think I would find a way to say them without saying them). What the hecks up with me >.<. Funilly, I do tell her I love her, thats actually easier to say! Its a statement of fact and it can't be rejected, it just is.

I'm probably in the whole mess because I gave in from the start :(. Well, more accurately, I took her at her first words that she was just looking for a friend (back then I wasn't in love). I feel so damn pathetic for that, for trying for it to be her to make the move. My only saving grace is that I did once genuinely ask her to marry me on the phone once, and meant it with the whole of my heart (I'm glad I did, I was surprised at the time because it burst out of me because it was so wanted to be said. I didn't realise how much before then). I didn't get turned down then, but I did get asked never to say it again and told it has no answer, which i'm not sure isn't the same thing. I negotiated to a "maybe never" *sigh*.

She is the only girl that I would marry. Only other time I've even thought about marriage I regretted thinking it the very next day (but sadly in that occasion I told the person I could see myself marrying her...). With A, I will never regret it, but I do wish I had been so much less pathetic about it. Especially as it seems that attrition seems to be the way to the heart of the girl I love.

In love or just sick?

I know its the first, but i'm left feeling like i'm mentally i'll or sub-normal. How can I be so absoloutely unshakably convinced of something that all evidence from the party in question suggests can never be. I know love is blind, but surely it shouldn't be deaf, dumb and unchangable? Then, I guess thats what love really is, I guess people are just "lucky" or "carefull" when the fall in love with someone who can and will love them back (and the carefull one I cannot quite get).

Also, love is apparently distressing when its out of place? I must admit I've never had anyone incontrollably in love with me, infact usually the exact opposite, someone very controllably in love with me. Though, i'm sure if someone was hopelessly in love with me, I wouldn't be upset by it? I'd be sad for them, I might feel guilty for how I might have had a hand in them getting there, I might get fed up of them telling me constantly but thats hopefuly all. Still, I guess you never know till you've been there.

I guess I need to gain more control of my heart. Though somehow I hate that idea, because I believe a heart needs to be free. Then its brining me saddness and worse its bringing upset to the one I love.

I want to appologise to the person I love, I hate that I hurt you by loving you. I hate that the very thing that makes you so great to be with is the very thing which makes me fall for you over and over and ultimately force us appart.

Its hard to try and control ones own heart, because of that internal feeling when you censor your heart that you could be losing something (even though, its probably not true.. well at least I hope its not true.. and thats what drives me mad. Turns an ordinarily extreemly secretive person into someone living anonymously online... its therapy).

Life changes us...

Theres times in life when things happen to make changes that ripple through ones whole being leaving you no longer the person you once where. Some may observe this is happening every day, that each day we become someone new as we live, learn, adapt. What I am talking about though is that sense you get in yourself when you've become someone else. Someone new (and hopefully wiser).

Life phases, prehaps thats the word. I wonder how many times this can happen in a life time.

Its been implicitly noted that my blog is a bit self involved. Well, it is my blog, lol. Also, I don't feel I have the right to blog about others and have my work for writing productive articles. So, this trend is likely to continue. Fortunately, no one reads my blog, excepting me so thats ok :).

I am feeling a little self involved at the moment though. Friends are marrying off, having children and generally fully occupied living life. Whilst I am pretty fully occupied trying to arrange my life (and also creating new exicting software) I'm also pretty alone. I have great friends and I love them all but theres not quite the right kinds of challenges in my life right now (but plenty of the wrong kind). I'm so far behind the "crowd" that I can only see the tops of heads. Still, I have 3 best friends, each so very dear to me, and the last the most. Actually, I have about 6 ammazing friends all of whom deserve that title in some way, but in fact there are 3 who are beyond all others. One whos so irriplacable, so needed, that I go slightly mad in knowing it and do stilly things and upset her *sigh*.

I've not actually told any of my friends about my blog, it really became an anonymous outlet for aspects of my life which feel like they need working out/writing down. I told one online friend about it the early days before I decided to just blog everything and I am not sure that was the best of ideas as I want this to remain largely annonymous.

I'm so happy.. if I don't think too much.

I just talked with my life love, I was so happy to talk to her, so pleased she called :). I know she doesn't see me the same way as I see her, but, somehow I know she did/would have (see earlier post). Talking with her really does make me so blissfully happy, its incredible how much she makes me smile! If I can just keep myself from thinking about the bigger picture and just enjoy that feeling I can be happy and enjoy our relationship simply for what it is (and not get sad about what it is not and would seem to never be). Its so hard to do that though.

I am trying to imagine an analogy to compare it to. Though none feels quite to capture its uniquness. Though, I could imagine it might feel a bit like how a dehydrated person would feel to sight a single glass of of really fresh and pure water. If he doesn't think too much, doesn't think how he can't have that water really, doesn't think how the water is about to be spilled and lost to him if he can live in that moment, that perfect moment he can be happy without being able to drink.

I want to live in that moment. Actually, I want to drink and to always drink and forever have that drink there by my side... but thats thinking thats the road to unhappyness right now.

In some ways, I am lucky, because I get to sip from the glass. Get to feel the joy of drinking, I just not allowed to have it as my drink. Its like someone offering just a sip of their beer, its enough to make you want the drink, but you know its theirs.

If I could drink down that water, I would love and enjoy every sip and gulp, I would never want to be without that particular pure water again.

Now, I need to distract myself... I just had a perfect moment, I want to hold onto that moment like I failed to hold onto it when it mattered (or, in proper fact, I held on so tight the moment poped right out of my grasp and away from me). So now, I just need to celebrate that perfect moment in my mind, replay the joy of her company in my head live in the moment until another can come to replace its perfection, until she calls again.

I know many people will see me as a bit of an idiot, deluded, stupid.... but I for the first time know true love in my heart. I wish I had understood this from the beginning, and maybe I would not have had to learn those lessons.

DoggyDude

Update: One day later and i'm thinking again... oh god am I thinking. I hate all the people in the world who chaotically go around just kissing everyone until they happen upon someone they end up loving (double for people who do the same with sleeping). I hate me more for not being able to relax when i'm in love, for being so afraid that any chance there may have been for love is lost.

I appeal to anyone whos found someone they love, have faith in your heart, don't have doubts that they might not love you. Be confident, be strong, and if things go wrong then, then they where never meant to be.

Pinball Addict

About 2 years ago I bought Gottlieb Pinball Classics for my PSP. I have to say that this was a great purchase and well worth the money. Two years later and i've got one Table Goal to complete, and it looked almost impossible. The table was called "Central Park" and the goal was "Win 5 or more credits". It seemed like the way to do this was to rack up the bonus until you lit the special light then hit that target 5 times. For many weeks I tried to do this goal with only three balls before giving up and accepting the 5 balls it wanted me to have ;).

So, one day, I won 4 credits... then lost the ball, but then I won the "match" to give me five credits.. I felt the sense of acheivement (and the sense of how much life i've wasted *lol*) but then, it didn't award me the goal. I came up with a theory why it hadn't given me the goal (maybe it doesn't count the "match" credit) and played again, this time winning exactly 5 credits just as I lost the ball. No goal awarded :(. Some time later, I had a godly go where I won 11 credits. I wooped and celebrated, this was sure to be the winner... no goal >.<. So, I came up with a new theory, I had 999 credits by this time, prehaps it was not counting the gained credits because there was no room? so I went to the gambling table and bet all my credits on a sure loser. Tried again, won again, didn't award the goal (but did suddenly put me back on 999 credits again). Wondered if there had been a saving bug, so, lost all my money again, saved the game... turned off the PSP and reloaded, made sure I had no credits and began to play. Won 4 credits and the match again... returned to 999 credits AND NO GOAL! >.<

So, for anyone else owning this game, I think there is a bug which prevents you attaining the table goal for "Central Park" if it is the last goal you have to make (or possibly at all?). My one final hope is that "maybe" just "maybe" the credits need to be attained by score alone (and not by hitting the special)... i'll let you know.

Incidently:

I've now deleted my game data and I am attempting to finish Central Park earlier.

Its useful to note that completing the table goal on "Elderado" gives free play on Central Park. Though after furthur thought it seems that it just awards the unlockables in a set order and is independant of which goals are completed.

Well, I have finished (and been awarded) all the table goals and I am disapointed that none of them unlock the tilt feature (oh, I know I can buy the code, but I like to win my unlockables).

Also, for the first time I completed the Gottlieb Challenge (and really trounced it too) and was bitterly disapointed to discover that you get excactly the same message for completing ALL the tables in the challenge you do if you only completed one then failed. What a crock!

So that was very disapointing. Its such a shame, Pinball Classics is such a great game, but it falls down on just a few minor points. I've been having my ball fall out of the table more offten these days. Its happend three times in the last 30 games. Thats like a 1 in 10.

Still, for all my bitching, its a fantastic game (indeed its the devils own game because I can't stop playing it lol).