Update on Life

I am looking now at all the evidence which is piling on about the girl who is still for me the love of my life and I am seeing that whilst there may have been a way we could have been together (could I go back and fix lots of little stupid mistakes) the chances of us being a couple where so remote, so tenious that it wouldn't have happened in 999,999 out of a million outcomes.

Knowing this doesn't really help me, she is still the love of my life.

Is the lesson here to be carefull who you let yourself love? To not love too early?

I am not sure. Had I tried not to love her, it might have changed things for the better, though equally it might have left me filled with regret at not trying hard enough as someone else stepped into place.

Its strange, but a pattern keeps repeating with us. We get closer, she pushes me away, I try to stay confident and we reach a "level" where she doesn't want others but isn't choosing me. She communicates us just being friends. She will meet someone who she will be more keen about. She will, for a while, be good and favour me over all others. She will even not want to see this other interest in her life and spend her time with me. She will want me along with her, but then the "interest" will want to push for "them" time. She can't be said to be leading me on, at least not verbally as her position is clear. Though emotionally, she really doesn't know her position.

It should be over, I should be moving on... I can't.

I need to be saved from myself I think.