Lost in Life

I have the skills to work anywhere. The practicality though is that life and work tends to tie a person to a place or area and usually the place or area in which they live. Thing is, as of this time, I am still residing with my family so I don't have a place. I have a local. I don't need to always be near my family.

I need something, someone to give me a reason to be somewhere. The person I would choose to define that is Alex and I would be happy wherever I was with her. Problem is, I can't be anywhere with her without her support and encouragement to be there with her as more than just her friend. Such encouragement is not forthcomming and infact negitive reinforcement is present (it lost me my last job because I paniced in the second stage interview because all I could think about was what she said before the interview "I don't think its a good idea for you to get the job".. "You can hope you get it, I will hope you don't"... "I want you to be out of my place by Tuesday").

So, I don't have any reason to be anywhere. I have lots of minor "whims" of places to be. I have friends in New Zealand, California, Lancashire and I have Alex, the one person in this world who gives me a sense the world is truely worth living for on the South Coast.

There isn't any pressing reason to be nearer any of my friends, excepting Alex and she is the love of my life (sometimes I so feel like the love of hers, usually when arriving at that point soon after I remember all the things she has said, especially "you are the one person I would never go out with" and "I will Marry someone else, I will have kids with someone else"). So why am I still utterly and uncontrollably in love. I have no doubt in that love, I know its right and I know its complete. Sometimes I don't doubt she loves me as much, though everything she says goes against this sense and I don't have complete and utter conviction she loves me completely (though I am she does love me, I am just not sure she loves me with her whole heart as I love her.. and what she says suggests very strongly, possibly unequivibly she doesn't love me. Yet sometimes how she acts suggests contrary to what she says. Lies are HELL, they make a person doubt the truth).

Where do I go now? I know wherever it is, its not here. I don't belong here any longer, I don't fit. I sort of fit in NZ but how much.

I am tired of being perfectly suited for jobs and being turned down based on dumb pre-conceptions. I've heard "spotty employment history" quoted a few times and reciently "over confident" was sited. Over ****** confident! Course I am, I have 15 years of experience and I can work to develop anything on Microsoft platforms. I just need a job I can believe in and when one comes along they seem to have trouble believing in me.

Story of my life, beside family, only one person has ever put their complete faith in me and they still believe. Its just a shame we don't work together.

I need a reason to be somewhere, I need something to believe in that can't/won't let me down.... I know, I know... I am hearing it too... I, I, I, I .. Me, Me, Me, Me.... The sad thing is though, what "Me" wants is someone to believe in who will believe in me, someone who believes in the me I know. Alex sees the real me, though she chooses to not believe (or not to love me as her life partner).

AGGGGG! life.

I don't even know what I want anymore. Alex is all I want/need except that she refuses, is unable, cannot accept me and choose me as hers. How can I want another Alex? shes irriplaceable, shes everything. What can I want / need now?