Message to Nowhere

I'm not really expecting this to be read. So why am I writing it? Well, i'm writing it for me. Then why am I publishing it? Well, why not!

I've come to a point in my life where I've realised that i've probably wasted over half of it trying to stay out of sight. I hate attention, I loath celebrity and i'm no fan of fame. So, whats changed?

Well, I guess I realised a couple of things:

1. Nobody really cares / is interested (woo),
2. Anyone who might would have never have know I existed without this (by the way, i'm not looking for someone to care, thanks you if you do anyway),
3. Whats the point in recording anything if its never read.

So, based on this, why not...

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I think what bugs me the most about life at the moment is that I have a huge hole in my life, the person who had proved to completely and utterly fullfill me (thus completely identifiying and revealing this hole when she was found not in my life) can't be my other half, which leaves me unwhole. Simple huh.

Funilly, whilst that is a real and on going pain in my life (understated) its not what is really bugging me! What really bugs me is that all the major religions seem to claim to be the solution to this "life hole" issue >.<. Thats what bugs me! What really gets under my skin though is that i'm pretty sure thats not the case! However, I can't actually definitively say it is not or disprove it in any way so am left with this nagging sense of "well, I could be wrong? but I don't think so?". That combined with not actually being sure what the "hole" is in the first place, and only being sure of how it gets filled is driving me crazy (if I wasn't there already).

I think that whomever invented religion (and it was a human, not a god or son of god) was one hell of a Phycologist! He/She (probably a she, they are always better at it) really understood human nature and exploited it to the upmost.

Don't get me wrong here, theres alot of good in many religions... sadly that too is also annoying because those religion sometimes leverage that good they hold to justify their ends and its not offten possible to seperate the ends from the goodnesses.

Well, actually, thinking about it... there are groups out there who don't do that (though they are unlike any traditional religion in that they don't claim to be everything and the only way. I mean, they may well be? They simply just don't need to justify themselves except through their own lives and to the the universe or common good). I digress....

Sometimes I wonder if that hole thats in me is the place where all the happyness in the world would dwell. For, when I was so fulfilled by her, I felt whole, completed with happyness.

Hmmm, well, I guess before I meet her I had times when I was happy... had times when I felt full (though, never quite as full). However, before meeting her, I never felt completed?

It can't simply be happyness. You would think other people could make me as happy. You would think I could find other ways to fill that space. Only she will do. Maybe I made her be the only one who could fill it? Then, she came along and filled it without me choosing her to.

Oh, I don't know.... and i'm even boring myself with this thinking ;).

I don't want religion comments, but if anyone has any "personal" and "non-religion specific" answers to whats missing in my whole that takes the shape of she, please do share.